Jealousy, Anger, Out Of Control

Jealousy, Anger, Out Of Control:

     So, as to continue from my last blog post where I spent most of the time "complaining" about how I was feeling about not being able to be pregnant or have a baby biologically. Well, I am still struggling but that's ok...

     On Sunday, my dad preached about Joseph and his brothers; well, mostly his brothers. Joseph was his father's favorite son. He, in my mind probably got what he wanted, probably was able to be a little slack on his chores, maybe got extra desert. I don't know; but I do know that Joseph had something that his brothers long to have/be. So, what did his brothers do? Plotted to kill him and blame it on an animal. They took off his coat and tore it. They ended up selling him as a slave. Now, they did this because they were jealous-very jealous. That led to anger-killing him/selling him. They had lost control. 

       Now, this relates to me how? Well, everything is the same. I am so jealous of people who get to have babies. Yes, I am SOOO happy for them. I think it's a beautiful thing to have a baby. That's why I am jealous. I have recently been dealing with the anger section of this little trio. I just fly off the handle and everything thing. Resenting people along the way. I treat my husband, kids, parents, and siblings with disrespect all because I can't keep it together. I am angry. I am not angry at God; I am angry because I am not in control what my body/Ryan's body can do. Thankfully, I haven't lost control yet. 

       God has given my family the best gift ever. We are able to help children have homes. Homes that may last a week, a month, or forever! Why should I be angry? I am so blessed beyond words. Now, see this three thoughts: Jealousy, Anger, Out Of Control are complete opposite of the Fruit of the Spirit. I need to remember that God has given me an opportunity to share The Fruit of The Spirit with children everyday! Get it together Holly! 

       Thanks so much for reading! Hope this time was little better than last. Please continue to pray for our family and my Fruit of The Spirit showing! 

Update....and a little venting...if that's ok

First, I would like to apologize for not writing much for a while. If you don't know we have 3 kids under 2 1/2. We got the two girls December 17, 2013. Our adoption should be completely done by October/November!! We couldn't be more excited. The girls are half-sisters. H is 2 1/2 and K is only 19 days older than D so 16 months! Life is REALLY pretty crazy with 3 toddlers. They are doing so well though. They are developing wonderfully and are doing great social and physically. Ok, so that's the update; on to the venting. First, I want to say I do NOT want pity. I want listening ears...lol I am really struggling with the fact that we aren't able to have biological children. I know, we have 3 kids right now; I just can't seem to "get over it." Many people around me are pregnant or just had babies and I just can't get the thought that it will never happen to me. I trust God with everything in me! I get that he has different plans; but that doesn't always take away the pain. I feel lonely, unworthy, and sad most days. Typically, it comes off as anger or aggravation; but mostly I'm just sad. Hurting at the fact I will never feel a baby from the inside, I will never feel the pain of labor/delivery, or being able to nurse a baby. I am so thankful for my 3 little blessings and I am SO thrilled about having the opportunity to be able to adopt D and we have prayed for him and God has given him to us. It's just not the same. I know what some of you are saying, "Holly, don't give up!" "God can make this happen." I know he can! That doesn't change the fact that it is something that I long for. I do know that God has great plans for our family! We are in the process of renting to own our house, selling our car/buying a new one. Ryan has a great new job! God really is good and faithful. If I could just ask for one thing: Please just pray for me. Pray for the adoption to go through smoothly. Pray for Ryan as he starts his new job. Pray for the girls and the things they are going through. Pray for our entire family! Thank you so much for listening and being an ear for me! Thanks for reading!!!! :) p.s. please no pity! :)

Update On Baby A

Hey! I just wanted to let everyone know about how important tomorrow is for us! The social workers that are involved with Baby A's case are presenting us to The Adoption Committee tomorrow! We found out that our social worker is on the committee; which is very good news! They are all pulling for us but we all know how DSS is...you never really know for sure until it's for sure. They are aiming for a couple different things tomorrow. Basically, to solidify us as being the adoptive parents and potentially moving the hearing to change the plan to adoption closer, right now the hearing is set for January. I am asking everyone to just please pray for the committee that they will see what is best for A. Please pray for us as a family that are nerves will be calm tomorrow and that we will understand that God is in control! Thanks for reading and thanks for praying with us! 

I'm outnumbered!

Yep! Outnumbered! 1 girl....4 boys in my house!~ Ryan, Skylar, Mason, and my precious baby boy! Last Friday, I got a text from my social worker asking if we would be interested in taking two boys ages 8 and 5 and discretely declined because of the ages. In that same conversation she asked me about Skylar (3) and Mason (18 months) I said Yes! They are in our age range and who was I to say no. lol Friday came and went; they said they didn't need placement right now and that it could be Monday. Monday around 12:30pm got a call that they did need placement and at 3:30pm Skylar and Mason were at our house....and they made their GRAND entrance. It was like a tornado came in a just destroyed everything in 5 seconds. Up the stairs, down the stairs, everywhere! Without going into much detail publicly, these two little boys have seen WAY too much in their short lives. They have no boundaries and no guidelines. If anybody knows me, I like boundaries...and guidelines. Anyways, to answer the ongoing question about how long they will be with us...it's hard to say; at least until October 14th. I also, wanted to give everyone an update on Baby A and his adoption progress. Sometime this month they are going to be meeting with the adoption committee and present us to them. Sounds good right!? Well, there could be another "option" for him...which is still adoption just not with us. The odds are in our favor; but we all know DSS and how they work...you never know if what they are saying is actually what is going to happen. Right now, we need prayer! LOTS AND LOTS of prayer! Pray for the adoption committee, the social workers, Baby A, Us, Mom and Dad, Desiree' as we face this uncertainty! I know my God is bigger than this and His great plan is what we most desire! Thank you all for your support and prayers! 

Below is a preview of our family pictures with Baby A.

Update On Our Journey!

   I just wanted to update everyone on what has been going on since the last time I wrote an entry. First of all, RJ has gone to be with an aunt in Columbia, SC. I was really sad to see her go and someone else to take care of "my" little girl. RJ was the best thing that had ever happened to me. The little girl I had always wanted. :) But as we know, these children are often moved to family members; which is best...i guess. Second, Alex is doing so well! He will be 5 months old August 23! I can not believe just 5 months ago we were in the nicu nesting with him! As far as being able to adopt Alex, we have a pretty good chance. It isn't going to be an easy process; but I know the end result will be great! Another announcement; we have been praying about adopting a little boy from The Yahweh Center. For some of you who don't know what The Yahweh Center is, it is where Ryan used to work. It is a Psychiatric Rehab. Treatment Facility. Ryan fell in love with this little boy and came home and expressed to me how much he felt led to this little boy. Unfortunately, I can't tell you his name :( sorry....anyways, please keep us in your prayers for our upcoming O'Neill family! Also, please keep praying for RJ and her family. Again, thanks for reading and supporting us!   

Let's Catch Up!

           Hey Everybody! I hope everyone is doing well. Our family keeps growing and shrinking and growing again. Most of you know that Jacob and Justice are now doing a trial home placement with their mother. This happened Thursday March 7th. I will explain a little of what I felt that day and the days leading up to it. I knew that this was probably going to be the time where it would happen; but I just hadn't convinced myself it was actually going to. They were at the point of weekend visits, which killed me, and I knew that it was only a matter of time. During those weekend visits I would find myself not really thinking about much except for what they were doing, were they o.k., etc. I would dread but be excited for Monday morning to come. I loved seeing them run into school saying, "mommy! mommy!" I would dread it because the rest of the day/week was very difficult for them; behaviorally, emotionally, and physically. They would have accidents making the transition and my heart would break for them seeing them adjust to living with us during the week and their mom on the weekends. It wasn't fair to them. In the meantime we got a baby that was 6 months old! Her name is Ronadda Jackson; but we call her RJ! The boys loved her!!! They were GREAT big brothers! So, the day had come to go to court. I was so nervous. I hadn't seen their mom since the last court hearing and I knew that today would probably be the day we said, "goodbye!" We walked in and I just felt at peace with everything. I kept telling myself, "be strong for her", be strong for my boys","It's ok to let them go." So there we are sitting in the courtroom hearing the dreaded words, "We will try to home placement." My heart sank! Ryan began to cry and I just whispered to him, "Ryan be strong." He began to grab my knee trying to hold back the tears. We left the court room and I literally felt a spirit come over me walking out the door. We stopped, their mom and I looked at each other and just embraced and were weeping together! I can't describe how I felt. There wasn't anybody else in the room but her and I. God had us wrapped up into his arms. Two moms coming together happy and sad for one another. I knew after that hug that everything was going to be fine. I had made peace with the idea that the boys would only be with us for one more night. Friday came, and the boys were picked up and I never cried another tear since that Thursday in the courthouse. On a side note, not two hours later we got a call asking for us to take in a 2 month old baby girl, Makayleigh! She only stay with us a week; but it was like God knew to give us a distraction to not be thinking about the boys leaving. Back to RJ, I am SOOOOOOOOOO in LOVE with this little girl. I can't even describe it! She is my everything. We don't know a whole lot about her and her situation. Right now, we are loving on her as hard as we can until we have to let her go! Thank you guys for always reading and so sorry it's been so long since I've posted! I love everyone and thank you so much for your prayers! They are felt often! Here is a picture of "My boys!"  

Yeah....it's been a while...

       First off, I want to say sorry. I know that it has been a while since I have written a blog. That brings me to my next order of business...there will probably be a two or three parts to this blog to get everyone caught up. So, consider this part one...


        The last time I wrote you guys Tristen was leaving us. About two weeks after Tristen left, we received a call about a little boy names Terran. Terran was 3 years old and so stinkin' cute! :) When Terran walked in with his case worker he said he needed to go to the bathroom; so of course we showed him where the bathroom was and all of a sudden we heard throwing up and pooping everywhere in our bathroom! Oh, my word I knew from that point he was going to have a hard time adjusting to living here. That night we found out Ryan's grandpa had past away in New Jersey and we had to pack up the car and head north...with three kids under 3! That was a Friday and we decided to leave on Sunday morning after Ryan got off work. Off we were to New Jersey! The kids were doing great on the trip, watching a movie and singing songs; it was kinda fun until Justice decides he needs to throw up! Here we go again with the throw up! We finally made it to a hotel (once we discovered ours was closed due to power loss). Oh, did I mention that we had plenty of money in our account but couldn't have access to it...oh yeah, that was fun too....NOT! Anyways, back to the story.... On Monday we decided to just take the boys to the mall for a bit and hang out around the town before the viewing that evening. Once we got our naps and showers done we were off to the viewing. After that we went to Denny's to get something to eat after the viewing (about 8 o'clock mind you) and I am just not feeling very well. Very feverish and just blah :( I decided to take the twins back with me in the car and Ryan was going to walk back with Terran (3 days into his transition) after they were done. I gave the boys a bath and put them down and I started throwing up!!!!! O my word, did I ever throw up! It was horrible. The next morning I called my MIL and I just told her I wasn't going to be able to go to the funeral and that I was really sorry. About 10 minutes later I hear a knock on the door, it was her and Geoffrey coming to help with the boys and to take them and she said she had got a sitter to be there with them during the funeral so I could rest! THANK YOU DESI! I slept and threw up and slept and threw up...it was horrible. So, now it's Tuesday afternoon and I am feeling better so me and Ryan decided to drive to Hoboken for some Carlo's Bakery and then head to NYC on the subway! I had been to NYC before and I knew that it stunk didn't really notice it until I was so sick! :( We had a "decent" time I was just ready to get back and we decided to just leave when we got back to East Brunswick so the boys would just sleep the whole way home. I took a sleeping pill so I could sleep without getting sick. Well, about an hour into our trip home Jacob starts throwing up! It had made it's rounds! Finally we were back in Wrightsboro, home sweet home, and the Ryan starts throwing up! I had had enough of the puking! :) and then we got word on Friday that my dad was throwing up! Oh dear! So, back to Terran. Very sweet boy, but really needed to be in a home where he could get all the attention. We had a great time with Terran and we got to take him on a trip to VA just me, Ryan, and Courtney and we had a BLAST! After about a month and a half Terran went to live with a family friend... so that would have brought us to end of August/First of September....keep a look out for part 2