Jealousy, Anger, Out Of Control

Jealousy, Anger, Out Of Control:

     So, as to continue from my last blog post where I spent most of the time "complaining" about how I was feeling about not being able to be pregnant or have a baby biologically. Well, I am still struggling but that's ok...

     On Sunday, my dad preached about Joseph and his brothers; well, mostly his brothers. Joseph was his father's favorite son. He, in my mind probably got what he wanted, probably was able to be a little slack on his chores, maybe got extra desert. I don't know; but I do know that Joseph had something that his brothers long to have/be. So, what did his brothers do? Plotted to kill him and blame it on an animal. They took off his coat and tore it. They ended up selling him as a slave. Now, they did this because they were jealous-very jealous. That led to anger-killing him/selling him. They had lost control. 

       Now, this relates to me how? Well, everything is the same. I am so jealous of people who get to have babies. Yes, I am SOOO happy for them. I think it's a beautiful thing to have a baby. That's why I am jealous. I have recently been dealing with the anger section of this little trio. I just fly off the handle and everything thing. Resenting people along the way. I treat my husband, kids, parents, and siblings with disrespect all because I can't keep it together. I am angry. I am not angry at God; I am angry because I am not in control what my body/Ryan's body can do. Thankfully, I haven't lost control yet. 

       God has given my family the best gift ever. We are able to help children have homes. Homes that may last a week, a month, or forever! Why should I be angry? I am so blessed beyond words. Now, see this three thoughts: Jealousy, Anger, Out Of Control are complete opposite of the Fruit of the Spirit. I need to remember that God has given me an opportunity to share The Fruit of The Spirit with children everyday! Get it together Holly! 

       Thanks so much for reading! Hope this time was little better than last. Please continue to pray for our family and my Fruit of The Spirit showing! 

Update....and a little venting...if that's ok

First, I would like to apologize for not writing much for a while. If you don't know we have 3 kids under 2 1/2. We got the two girls December 17, 2013. Our adoption should be completely done by October/November!! We couldn't be more excited. The girls are half-sisters. H is 2 1/2 and K is only 19 days older than D so 16 months! Life is REALLY pretty crazy with 3 toddlers. They are doing so well though. They are developing wonderfully and are doing great social and physically. Ok, so that's the update; on to the venting. First, I want to say I do NOT want pity. I want listening ears...lol I am really struggling with the fact that we aren't able to have biological children. I know, we have 3 kids right now; I just can't seem to "get over it." Many people around me are pregnant or just had babies and I just can't get the thought that it will never happen to me. I trust God with everything in me! I get that he has different plans; but that doesn't always take away the pain. I feel lonely, unworthy, and sad most days. Typically, it comes off as anger or aggravation; but mostly I'm just sad. Hurting at the fact I will never feel a baby from the inside, I will never feel the pain of labor/delivery, or being able to nurse a baby. I am so thankful for my 3 little blessings and I am SO thrilled about having the opportunity to be able to adopt D and we have prayed for him and God has given him to us. It's just not the same. I know what some of you are saying, "Holly, don't give up!" "God can make this happen." I know he can! That doesn't change the fact that it is something that I long for. I do know that God has great plans for our family! We are in the process of renting to own our house, selling our car/buying a new one. Ryan has a great new job! God really is good and faithful. If I could just ask for one thing: Please just pray for me. Pray for the adoption to go through smoothly. Pray for Ryan as he starts his new job. Pray for the girls and the things they are going through. Pray for our entire family! Thank you so much for listening and being an ear for me! Thanks for reading!!!! :) p.s. please no pity! :)